professor zombie

Dear customers, quit leaving your gum on my counter. Thank you. #work #why #stop #no

Jaymee and I are really getting into abstracts lately. #oops #art #work #walrus #sweetbay #weeeee (Taken with Instagram)

I think my pen-drawing skills are improving.

I made two frozen mochas for a couple. I put a little too much in one cup, so I took some and put it in the other to even it out.

Woman: Thanks! He would have chosen the one with more in it.
Me: A relationship should always be equal in every way possible, else it will tear you apart and there will be much strife and disruption.
Woman: -stares- Thank you.
Lesson: Don't talk to normal people in the style of Hemingway. It scares them.

Girl: -stares at menu for five minutes-
Me: -stares at girl for five minutes-
Girl: Ummmmmmmmmm, is the caramel truffle any good?
Me: Yes, it's quite popular.
In my head: Would it be up there if it were disgusting?
Girl: Wow, I can't decide! There are so many choices!
In my head: Maybe if I suggest something she'll take it and go far away.
Me: My favorite drink is the iced soy hazelnut latte over ice. It's really amazing.
Girl: I think I'll have a single frozen peanut butter cup.
Me: Okay....
In my head: ....bitch.
Girl: Actually, let's make it a double!
In my head: Wow, you're being so adventurous today!
Me: -goes to make the drink-
Me: -takes out peanut butter for drink-
Girl: Woah, is that peanut butter?!
Me: Yes, it's one of the ingrediants...
In my head: ....since you ordered a BLOODY PEANUT BUTTER CUP MOCHA!
Girl: I'm allergic to peanut butter.
In my head: YOU FUCKING IDIOT! WHAT DID YOU THINK IT WAS MADE OF?! MAGICAL UNICORN SHIT?!
Me: Would you like a refund or would you like a different drink.
Girl: I'll have a red bull smoothie.
In my head: ETERNAL HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATE!!!

They’re everywhere.
Don’t move, they’ll hear you.
Don’t make a sound.

I knock over a milk crate.
A walker becomes curious.
He walks over to my kiosk.

He looks around with unseeing eyes,
An ugly face void of expression.
Will he attack?

“Grande hot vanilla latte, extra shot.”
Simple. No hello, no please.
Just a maniac visage.

As I hand him his drink,
He takes a sip.
A glimmer of recognition crosses his face.

His blank countenance returns.
He walks on without realizing.
I have just given him the antidote.

Being a savior is a thankless task.

Glob, you people!

Can’t you see I’m trying to plan a dinner here? I don’t have time to make your drinks!

Oh, you want coffee?

I’ll give you coffee!!!! *throws fresh pot of steaming coffee at people and turns into hipster she-hulk* And you! Yeah, you with the screaming kid! Go get castrated or something and give your kid up for adoption! You’re an awful parent! Fourteen year old boy, don’t you ever hit on me again! If you do, I’ll hit on you with a freaking ten by four! *morphs back into self* I want some more hookah…

My body hates me.

I shouldn’t have stuffed it with smoke and alcohol. I sorry, body. You can sleep tonight. Pinky promise.

laughingsquid:

The 5 Stages of Vacation Grief

(Source: BuzzFeed)